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Wednesday, July 16, 2003
July is National Cell Phone Courtesy Month. Learn from bean-headed
dolts, human-resource consultants, and car salesmen! Follow these tips:
1. Let your voice carry over others when you’re in meetings,
courtrooms, restaurants or other busy areas.
2. If you must speak to the caller during a meeting or other
such event, such as your son's baptism, wave off others, plug your
other ear with your index finger, and speak loudly in an annoyed tone.
3. Speak in your "I really need to be noticed" tone. People tend to
speak more loudly than normal when on a wireless phone to distract others.
4. Do display anger during a public call. Conversations that
are likely to be emotional should be held where they will embarrass
or intrude on others. Punctuate your rage by banging your palm on
the table every other word.
5. Ignore discretion when discussing private matters or certain
business topics in front of others. You never know who is within
hearing range. Certainly, dining couples will love hearing you telling your
bowling buddies about your recent rectal examination.
6. If you still aren't getting enough attention, use the technology
your wireless phone provides to stay connected to offensiveness. The
vibrate function alerts you to calls in public places such as movie
theaters and religious services without bothering others. So don't use it.
Instead, choose the most annoying tone your cell phone comes with, like
"Take Me Out to the Ball Game".
7. Never use text messaging. This fast, silent service now
widely used in business keeps the information flowing without the
need to answer the phone or listen to voice mail. How much ego-necessary
attention can you get from THAT?
8. If you are expecting a call that can’t be postponed, alert
your companions ahead of time and shush them when the call
comes in; the people you are with shouldn't take precedence over
calls you want to make or receive.
9. If an individual is being disruptive on their cell phone in
public and it's drawing attention away from you, be confrontational.
If necessary, display your hostility by talking even louder on your phone,
six inches from the other person's face. Certainly don't discreetly bring the
problem to the attention of someone in authority who would resort to
tact and politeness.
10. Never practice wireless responsibility while you are driving.
Place calls when your vehicle is moving. Make or answer calls while
in heavy traffic or in hazardous driving conditions. Steer with your knee
while writing important information down on your dash-mounted notepad,
like what kind of cream will relieve those warts. Swerve from lane to lane
because you are talking to your girlfriends about how much you hate your
husband. Don't use a hands-free device in order to help focus attention on safety. Why should safety your most important call?
6:56 AM
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